The Colbert Report/Episode/509
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In * Dr. Colbert discusses the Super Bowl with His Jewish Friend ** which Stephen did not watch ** wants to know what the NFL is hiding with the XLIII *** why are Romans numeraling our bowls? Intro Big News * Daschle took himself out for HHS Secretary ** chose gay John Lennon for his eyeglasses ** Christian Bale believes it's a fucking distraction * Stephen is not a big "pay your taxes" kind of guy ** legally declared himself an island nation in the Caribbean ** Turks and Kakos (sp) * no universal healthcare ** Woo! * Stephen was afraid Obama was going to be * Daschle folded like an origami tax form you forgot to fill out ** Hillary Clinton to quit for going over her phone minutes SEGMENT2 * GOP waits for Reagan to appear in their grilled cheese sandwiches * Lindsay Graham is dressing in black and listening to The Cure * Tonight's Word: Army Of One * GOP elects Michael Steele to head the RNC * Rush Limbaugh is the future of the Republican Party * Dr. Colbert cherishes Rush ** he is Stephen's ringtone * feminism is for unattractive women, what talk radio does for unattractive men * Phil Gingrey apologizes to Limbaugh ** he left his mustache up Rush's ass * Rush offers a demographic for the future ** white ** male ** no children * Rush's words inspire a nation ** sensitive analysis of Michael J. Fox ** Colin Powell endorsed Obama ** support he shows Obama in a time of word * Rush's core philosophy: follow Rush Colbert Platinum, Ass-covering Edition * Obama scolded Wall Street execs for handing out $18 billion ** Wall Street is filled with many things, but shame is not one of them * Stephen presents Colbert Platinum for the little people, and by little people he means rich people ** who are physically smaller due to decades of inbreeding * Ass Covering Edition * Platinum ** Private chef is not breeding new animals for you to eat, watch Spike * John Thane ** $1,405 trash can ** $35,115 commode on legs *** the poor does not realize the benefit of a toilet that walks to you *** he apologized * Hire people to be your furniture, that's creating jobs * Fuld sold his house to his wife for $100 ** sell house to wife ** sell wife to boat ** sell boat to jet ** sell jet to dog * Schrenker crashed his plane to fake his death * go to heaven where you can have gold and band angels * if anyone sees you drinking champagne and eating caviar, tell them it's ginger ale and dirt Interview * Henry Louis Gates Jr. * book: "Lincoln on Race and Slavery" * new book about Lincoln and race ** his stovepipe hat slowed him in the 4-40 * which Lincoln is he looking for * each generation remakes Lincoln * Lincoln is like Paul Bunyan ** had an axe, might not have had a blue ox * shot on Good Friday ** dies Easter Saturday ** often compared to Jesus * opposed fundamentally to interracial marriage ** cannot vote, serve as jurors, fight for the United States * Lincoln would have been shocked if he saw Obama president ** Dr. Colbert is very Lincolnesque * problem with scholarship ** director of W.E.B. DuBois Center at Harvard * we can assume whatever we're doing is what Lincoln would have wanted * only Jesus has more book written about him than Lincoln * all books are right ** Fidel's hero was Lincoln * some say his face should be chiseled off Mount Rushmore ** tried for war crimes posthumously * considers writing about white people ** bigger readership * he admits Jesus is white! Epilogue * Dr. Colbert regrets to inform The Heroes that that is all the show and all the time we have show for Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments